Letting go of the weight I never carried…

My heart pounding, knuckles white, palms clammy, eyes sealed shut. I held on tight, as if my grip were the only thing keeping me alive; as tight as I could to the bright red foam-wrapped pole. I clenched tight, feet trembling in an absolute refusal to move forward.

I gently open my eyes to glance at my son smiling ear to ear as he looked back at his mother, terrified and foolish. I glance down to the floor to the seemingly endless drop, then look up again at my harness fully secured. I remind myself,

“You are safe. There is nothing to fear.”

No matter how many times I analyzed the security and placement of the heavy duty carabiner, I did not relax into its safety. As I reminded myself of the words of the staff members that I wouldn’t be able to fall even if I wanted to, my fear continued to reign. The knowledge was simply not enough to put my mind at ease. It wouldn’t stop my heart from nearly beating out of my chest. It wouldn’t pause the sense of instability and dread that flooded my veins. I glanced around at my son and his fearless little friends jumping through the air from obstacle to obstacle, laughing at the middle aged woman refusing to move. I knew with full confidence that hundreds before me had braved this adventure ropes course with not one incident of death, but my body did not care. My physiological response to what my eyes beheld: a threat of falling, responded just the same, regardless of those assurances. I would tell myself, “Just lift your feet and hang for a moment. Rest. You are safe. You will not fall, and your feet and your grip are certainly not what holds you safe. The protection you have is in the cables and safety equipment. It is not your own strength that will keep you from falling. It is in the power of the mechanics above. Their safety, unlike your fearful grip is proven. Just believe.“

“Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,’ says the Lord Almighty.”

How often do I find myself, clenching tightly to the way things are, to the way I believe things ought to be. My grip tight, exhausting me, giving me that false sense of security while simultaneously keeping me from resting in the protection that is freely given to me, keeping me from peace. My heart races, my mind convinced that my own strength bears the weight of my life and of the “proper” outcomes… but in truth, it is in Jesus’ spirit that all things live and move and have their being. Not only is my clenching unhelpful, it is actually counterproductive. The more I wrestle through strategy and planning in my own mind, the more exhausted my soul becomes and the less I see the protection offered in my Heavenly Father. Oh what joy is available to me if I would only acknowledge the true place in which my safety lies, in the strength of my good and loving almighty God: to relax into the safety and security of His presence. “Let go, and let God.” we say in an overly simplistic thought, but it is often in the simplest of axioms that the deepest roots of faith are made.

Let go. Be still. Fear not.

At my son’s 10th birthday party, I finally began to slow my breath and work through my fear, knowing I would eventually have to make my way around the course. I simply wanted to have fun and enjoy myself, following my recent conviction that I need to let go of “adult” things when I am with my son. He needs me to play with him. I wanted to engage, undistracted by my own agenda and be present with Jameson and his little buddies. He is my third child, the second boy, and as my most contented child; often overlooked, requiring very little of my time or attention. This is in contrast with his other three siblings, who each, in their own way demand my attention and prayers beyond what I am able to give. Jameson is such a gift.

Moments like this, Jesus is my faithful teacher, always showing me what He is working on beneath the surface. In my nearly 40 years on this earth, He has always proven faithful. I have seen His kindness. I have tasted the goodness of God. Just as I could relax my weight into the cables of the ropes course, I can, with much greater confidence, rely on the steadfast character of an unchanging, always good, and faithful heavenly Father. With absolute hope and assurance of His safety and protection, I can lean my weight on the figurative cables of his strength. It is true, when I look down, despair and death seem certain, but if I were to look up in faith, and believe, I could dance with joy on the seemingly impossible obstacles in front of me, knowing the weight of all things rests in the strength of His power.

Verses for Reflection: Psalm 46:10, Isaiah 41:10, Zechariah 4:6, Proverbs 3:5-6, 2 Corinthians 12:9, Psalm 20:7, Acts 17:28.