They say, “Don’t Google it…”
July 16, 2025
The Night I Searched for Answers but Found God’s Presence Instead
“The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.”
— Exodus 14:14
One of my worst nights in the hospital started with a Google search.
I had already been diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukemia, and they just uncovered the genetic mutation FLT-3. I had begun my treatment, and symptoms were setting in.
The doctors tried to assure us that we would follow the plan, and they had hope that it would work.
But, a plan was not sufficient for me. I wanted answers. I wanted to understand my odds. My mind would not rest until I had real numbers, a prognosis statistic that told me “What are my chances?”
That night, alone in the still and quiet darkness, I stared at the screen… heart and eyes burning for good news. I was hoping for answers, knowing full well what I sought could never bring me the peace my heart desired. Something more guttural than curiosity kept my fingers at the keyboard, determined and unyielding. Perhaps knowing the truth would take the sting out of my new reality and what lay ahead.
I would only do this when I was alone. I didn’t want to share this with anyone. My husband Mike was sleeping peacefully on the tiny couch, his new home away from home across the room. I did not want him to know what I was learning. I wanted to bear the truth alone. The cursor blinked rhythmically back at me, mocking the futility of my search.
- How long are you likely to live after being diagnosed with AML with FLT-3?
- What are the chances of survival of a bone marrow transplant?
- If you do survive, how long do patients typically live after the transplant?
- What are the chances of recurrence?
- How likely will a different cancer come back after remission?
Click, after click, after click, I gained more and more information, but never any more peace. Google, in all its clinical detachment, gave me everything it could, but instead of comfort, I found more bad news that ushered in more fear in my mind, the kind that sits on your chest like concrete.
It was nearly midnight, and I heard a buzz on my phone. A sweet friend sent me this verse:
“The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.”
And I fell apart. All I could do was worship.
He will fight for me.
He does not need me to contribute to my care plan. He does not desire my contribution. He wants me to be still. He wants to show me that He is the one fighting for me.
I foolishly believed that with enough knowledge, relief would come. But my quest for knowledge was literally unquenchable, and not only that, complete understanding was impossible. Even the doctor with 40 years of experience and a resume that would make your jaw drop, is limited in his scope, in his intelligence, and his wisdom. True wisdom is not informational, but relational. It is found in proximity to the creator of all knowledge.
I wasn’t going to Google my way to peace.
Peace comes only from the presence of the Spirit of God.
What I did not know was the purpose God had in the unanswered questions. He was strengthening in me; building within my soul a deeper trust of Him. He was forcing me to face head-on with raw admission of my own weakness.
He was making me lie down. And I saw, deeper than I ever had before, that in my weakness, He is made strong. God was showing me His strength, so that I could know the safety of His presence.
That night, God began a shift in my spirit. Countless times over the next several months, my heart would begin to rise with anxiety and fear, but I was learning to stop chasing knowledge. I took my frustrations and my fears, and handed control over to the only one who had the strength to carry it..
I stopped chasing answers and started chasing His presence instead.
If You’re In Research Spiral Mode…
He is not surprised by your diagnosis. He is not powerless in the face of your fear.
He fights for you.
And when you are still, you will see it.
—Rachel
